


Repercussions

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Mass Effect 3, Mass Effect Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-01
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 13:58:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6707038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faced with a decision that affects millions, Commander Shepard struggles to push forward.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Repercussions

Of all the places she’d been in this vast galaxy, this one felt completely and utterly foreign. She’d been on the Citadel countless times. Earth was her home world. Still, the two in such close proximity and war evident all around rendered the two nigh unrecognizable.

Shepard’s gaze drifted lazily along each of the three pathways set before her. There were still innumerable lives counting on her to make this choice. End the war. In all this time, however, it had never been clear as to how it should be done. No one was around to help her, to make sense for a hazy mind and recognize how to minimize damages.

Many thoughts flooded in and out of her awareness as she instinctively and sluggishly began to hobble forward. She was unable to stand up straight, having sustained too many injuries while making it this far. Everything hurt and she was slowly stumbling toward her doom. Had the comrades that had fallen before her known this feeling? Had they had the chance to think about everything before the light left their eyes?

Shepard knew which choice people like The Illusive Man would have made. She could clearly see it in her mind’s eye. She wanted no part in being anything like him. He was worthless. Fortunately, he was also dead. He’d harm no one else with his deceit and disjointed utopianism. At least with that decision in hand, she could rest in peace.

The idea of sacrificing herself to adjust the makeup of organics and synthetics alike seemed… crazy. It didn’t make sense how that might work. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the benefits or the long-term consequences. It was so abstract a solution that she didn’t know where to begin to comprehend the details, good or bad.

And so, she staggered to her right. This was what Anderson would have done. This is what they’d been fighting to do this entire time. The end goal. She hoped that if this came to bite the galaxy in the ass someday, someone just like her would step up and fix it. For now, the needless deaths would stop and organic life would have a chance to continue. Was it cruel to consider putting someone else in her shoes someday, faced with these impossible choices? Perhaps. Did she feel that cruelty deeply in her bones right now? Yes. It was unbearable.

Shepard’s gaze drifted upwards for a moment, searching above for signs of the Normandy. Her ship. Her home. Her real world. It was, perhaps, a feeble effort to say goodbye, but she simply wanted to lay eyes on her one last time. The Normandy carried precious cargo, after all. It was probably for the best that she didn’t see the ship careening around the Citadel, however, because if she couldn’t see it, then it was possibly far enough away to get out of the range of whatever hell she was about to unleash.

She slowly carried on, one hand to her side to stem the flow of blood, the other gripping tightly to a gun. Somehow the gun was the only thing that seemed sensible about this situation, and she did not intend to let go of that tiny piece of familiarity. As she got close enough to clearly aim, she lifted the weapon and prepared for the end. Her entire arm felt heavy. She could barely lift it.

One shot. For Anderson.

Another. For Thane.

A third. For Mordin.

Shepard wanted to cry, but exhaustion, injury, and shock were not allowing it to happen. In all the ways she envisioned her end, it was not here. It was not like this. It was not with this weight on her shoulders and the fate of generations in her hands.

Doing this was going to break hearts. It was possibly going to lead to more deaths. If the Mass Relays were ruined, millions could be left stranded, starving, and suffering. Synthetics everywhere would fall, and she’d come to know that they were more than just mere machines. Shame added to the hurt she felt when she thought of the geth that were already making recovery an attainable goal for the quarians. Of Legion. Of EDI.

Her mind drifted to her friends and comrades as she continued her assault, firing shot after shot. Her aim suffered because it was so difficult to move and breathe and stay conscious. If, however, they made it through this day then they had the chance to live long, peaceful lives. They could raise children without fear of Cerberus or reapers. They could be happy. This was worth it.

No one would understand what happened here. Even if there were cameras on her, tracking her actions and movements, they were going to be obliterated momentarily. Garrus was going to be trying to piece this together for a while, she guessed. Bless him. She’d have to explain it eventually when they met up at that bar above, wherever battle-hardened soldiers go in the end. No one would know or understand that she was already dying and she had to make that death worthwhile because there was no escape and no aid nearby. She knew the signs, after all. She could feel death’s icy fingers pawing at her limbs due to loss of blood. It wouldn’t be long now. She was thankful that Kaidan wouldn’t have a chance to see her in such a battered, bloody, horrible state because he would have been so upset.

Kaidan.

Despite all of her horrible luck and many struggles over the years, he had been the bright spot in a sea of darkness. She hated a lot of things and most of the people she’d encountered since she’d begun serving on the Normandy, but oh, how she loved him. He would live. This was worth it.

She hoped that he could forgive her. In her last moments, she realized that she honestly wanted him to forget. He didn’t deserve the pain she put him through. He was so kindhearted, compassionate, gentle, and tough. He deserved better than a brash, fumbling, angry soldier who was bent on accomplishing the mission at all costs. They’d all been wrong, she realized. She was no paragon of humanity. He was. She had to make sure he survived even if she couldn’t.

The thought of causing Kaidan so much pain, especially when he’d confessed that he couldn’t handle such a loss again, effectively devastated her. The expression on his face when she’d parted ways with him last had said it all. It was seared into her memory. It wasn’t until that moment that she realized the truth of an old saying, ‘love is selfish.’ She’d been completely self-centered when getting involved with him, entangling her heart with his, knowing that separation like this was always a possibility. A likelihood. She even dared to let it happen a second time. She’d been foolish and vicious… breaking the heart of a man who never deserved such a fate.

_Forgive me. Forget me. I love you so much._

Her breathing had become erratic as she struggled to maintain her aim. She stumbled closer to her target to make it easier, but her body wasn’t responding normally any longer. Her limbs felt heavy and she was so very tired. The end was so near she could almost taste it.

Would it be painful? Possibly. Maybe it would be fate’s chosen method of punishing her for the poor choices she’d made along the way. It didn’t matter, in the end. She would do what had to be done, as was Shepard’s way.

As the blast knocked her off of her feet and the synthetic portions of her body immediately failed, her gaze lifted to that lovely blue planet above. Perhaps in time the galaxy would understand and exonerate her for her missteps in life and death. Ultimately, she had tried her hardest to accomplish the impossible.

For them. For him.

_I’m so, so sorry._


End file.
